A post long overdue: A third diagnosis in our family

Sometimes one feels overwhelmed and that is how I have felt during the last two months. It was pretty awful to start the testing of “Boo” during the summer, even though we had waited since January for it to start. Finally we were going to get an answer, perhaps, to why he behaves the way he does. To describe my next to youngest son, is not an easy task. So, I’ll leave it for later on in the post.

As soon as the testing started, I received certain dates, that would be the most important. The 11th September, J., the psychologist, would give “Boo” his diagnosis and on the 12th, she wanted to meet with the school and tell them how they can help him. My first task was to contact the school to find out, whether they could be at that meeting or not. And to make sure they understood the seriousness of it all. That the school needed to be well represented with as many people there as possible, was vital. This meaning at least headmaster, teacher, assistant and special ed teacher. To write the headmaster was pointless, since he only answers some of my e-mails. I went for his assistant instead, who is the teacher who started all this, who wanted “Boo” tested, and who no longer is his teacher but still care, I think. She answered that they would be there and lots of  people were coming, even the school psychologist, since the meeting was on a Friday, when she is present at the school. I was relieved and felt I had done my bit.

The summer passed and there was a break in the testing, for the months of July and August, when Sweden cease to function and the entire population goes on holiday. Once September started, the testing started again and then came the big day, when T. had to take time off from work, and go with me to hear what the verdict was. I had hardly slept at all, because I was petrified that the psychologist had not spent enough time with “Boo” and would draw too hasty conclusions and those being ADHD. Because if there is something which happens when you start having your child tested at BUP, it is the fact that you start studying the child’ s behaviour very closely. Things that have become habit or which you are so used to, that you don’t even react anymore, suddenly come to focus and you start analyzing them as normal or not normal. And during the summer I became more and more aware of the fact that “Boo” is nothing like “Kitty”. But I could see similarities in his and “Gubby’s” behaviour, when it came to certain aspects of life. All night, I lay in bed and mentally prepared a defense speech, if J. was about to tell us that she had concluded that “Boo” has ADHD.

The fact with an ADHD diagnosis is, that if you get that diagnosis in Sweden, you get zero help. The council has this place set up, which is a resource center for schools, to go to when they need help. In our council, it is called LSR. Lund’s Schools’ Resource Center. But according to my children’s headmaster, independent/free schools have no right to help from this place and especially not if the child which needs help, has ADHD. His exact words are “LSR doesn’t feel that ADHD is a problem anymore”. I don’t believe it (If it is true, then why give the children a diagnosis at all, why teach parents strategy, why invent medicines and help tools?) but he is not going to pay for help from that place for “Kitty” and if “Boo” had fallen in the same category, I feared that the headmaster would have removed all the little help he has received so far. But we were lucky. J. never met with “Boo” in excess, but I guess what she saw of him, was enough to give him the diagnosis of …

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As usual, T. did not say anything, but just sat there quietly, while I was the one talking, asking questions and protesting to some of the things she said. After she told us that “Boo” is autistic, she said “But you can tell him that he has Aspberger’s!”. – You just said he is autistic but I am supposed to tell him that he has Aspberger’s?. “Yes, so he doesn’t compare himself to his brother!”. -But does he have Aspberger’s? “No, he doesn’t have the symptoms of Aspberger’s at all, but you can tell him that he has it to make him feel better!”. I told her that I will say no such thing. Either you have something or you do not. You don’t tell a person who have a brain tumour, that it is just a headache, to make the person feel better. I am not going to go home and read books on Aspberger’s when my son doesn’t have it. What I need to read about is High functioning Autism, which is what he has with the moderation that since he has Autism, he could not be IQ-tested, because he did not want to make the patterns of the cubes that she wanted him to make. He wanted to make his own patterns.

That sorted, I wanted to know why he screams. All the time. For the slightest thing. And she told us that he does so because in his mind things are supposed to be this and that way and when they differ and don’t work out the way he had planned or imagined them, then he screams in frustration. Right! Why did he jump on his brother, almost straight on his non-swimming brother in the pool, this past summer? He could have killed him. He did it because he can not think himself in to what other people think and feel. He can not imagine things outside himself. He has a one track mind in other words. He does as he pleases, because noone else matters. And that makes him a nightmare to be around. And he endangers himself and others by his obstinacy and his self-centeredness. What I have classified as Oppositional Defiant Disorder has all along been Autism. I guess it is good to know, but I was not told how to deal with it. In one way, we only walked in there to hear one word and then we are once again on our own. With a referral to Habilitation of course.

When we sat down, in the car, I started to tell T. that I was relieved that it was not ADHD but I’m afraid that our discussion did not have anything good come out of it, except that I finally found out that he blames all our children’s handicaps on ME. While I have been sitting asking God why he is doing this to me, telling him that he is testing me too hard on this Earth, asking him why one handicapped child was not enough for our family, then my husband has just come to the conclusion that it is all my fault. Nice marriage we have, right? No, he sat there beside me and said I was too old to have the boys and I reacted at once to this accusation. There have been reports of mothers having children as late as when they were 50 years of age, and their children have been normal. My mum’s friend had her first child at age 45 and he was fine. Women in Hollywood are having children in their 40s and are not reported of having Autistic or children with ADHD. John Travolta’s wife was what, 47-48, when she had her son Benjamin? Geena Davies was 48 when she had twins. Gwen Stefani, just had a child at 44 and she was hardly sitting worrying about her baby being autistic, but was very excited about her pregnancy in her 45th year of life! I pointed out that plenty of women have children in their 40s and I was 38 when I had “Kitty”, 41 when I had “Boo” and 43 when I had “Gubby”, which is not THAT old. All my ancestresses have been 46 when they had their final, eighth child, and the priests have never recorded there being anything wrong with the children born when my ancestresses were 40, 42, 44 and 46. Them always having two years between every child. IF there was something wrong with a person, Swedish priests ALWAYS recorded it in the clerical surveys! Besides, how does he explain that Johannes, born when I was 24, has undiagnosed Autism? Was 24 too old to have children as well? Then he changed his tune and said it was the midwife’s fault, because she nagged on me and made sure I did not gain any weight during my pregnancies.

It is true that she made me weight obsessed during my pregnancies. Telling me, that I had gained too much in my first trimester. But compared to some women, who gain like 30 kilos in their pregnancies, I did not become a whale, ever. I had Kate Middleton’s puking disease with Johannes, but I was not a Princess so I was not hospitalized and only gained 9 kilos in his pregnancy. He came out weighing normal though. And so did all the others, even if I never gained more than max 15 kilos. Yes, I did think about what I ate and I did not eat for two. I did not do what others do when they are pregnant, take it as an excuse for pigging out. I did not live on chocolate, cake, candy and ice cream. I ate proper food and went for walks. With “Gubby”, I did get gallstone attacks almost daily, so yes, the last two months or so, I did eat poorly, when his brain developed, but the hospital KNEW what I was going through and did nothing to help. They could have put me in hospital and on a drip, they could have delivered him early, to save his life and then removed my gallbladder. But they never ever alerted me to that I was putting him in any danger. They only cared about him, that is why they did not give me pain killers, that is why they did not take him out nor did surgery on me. And even if I could not eat hardly anything of value, living off things that did not cause a gallstone attack, I did not walk around hungry or starved. And they do say that the babies take what they need and leave the rest to the mother. To blame me for four, possibly five children’s handicaps, is totally unfair and very, very rude. I did my best to deliver those children safely and healthy. And more over, I only had sex and tried to get pregnant when I felt that my Heavenly Father had a little spirit to send to me. Those children were meant to come, at the time they did come. Not earlier, not later. I have been using ovulation tests and spending a fortune on getting pregnant, when I was supposed to. The holy ghost telling me exactly when it was time to try. So if anyone should be blamed, it is God, because he sent me these children, for me to be tested and for them to grow up with a mother who is trying to cope with their disabilities to the best of my abilities.

I thought it was pointless to discuss it further with him. He has his opinion and it breaks my heart. But I have to struggle on for the sake of the children and the next day, I headed to BUP again, feeling even more worried. The last testing was on the 4 September and J. asked me then, if the school had told me they were coming, because they had not contacted her at all. I said what C. had written to me, and she seemed pleased. But I started thinking that it was odd that the school had not e-mailed her. So I asked “Boo’s” teacher, “Who is coming?”, and she said she had no idea of a meeting but would ask the headmaster. She wondered if the assistant was to come with as well and I said “I assume and hope so!”. The day before the meeting, I asked the assistant, “are you coming?” and she looked at me and said “I have no idea, noone has told me a single thing!”. I told her to go ask the headmaster and I would write C. again. I wrote C. and she wrote me that no, the assistant was not coming along because this only concerned the teacher and she would pass on all information necessary. That it was important to show who has authority and who is in charge here. I got angry and wrote back that school is not just about school subjects and learning in the classroom, that it is also about the social aspects, recess, … and that is where he has problems and where the assistant have to deal with things, because the teacher is not there. I moved on to point out that many ears hear better than just one or two sets. That it is better to hear things first hand, than getting a resumé from someone. But C. has changed her tune, since she became assistant to the headmaster. Now she follows “the official party line” and that is, according to the headmaster, to take everything from BUP with a pinch of salt, the place being a necessary evil. Or unnecessary evil?

The only two people who showed up to the school meeting at BUP was the headmaster of the school, with his hedgehog attitude, and “Boo’s teacher, so that the school can assert that she is his teacher and everything should go via her. Noone else has the authority over “Boo”, noone else needs first-hand information. I was terribly disappointed. The meeting felt pointless. J. told them that “Boo” has “Aspberger’s without Aspberger symptoms” and all the problems he has in school are due to his autism. Seriously, how are they supposed to interpret that? Why are they even using the word Aspberger’s when the diagnosis is being removed? And why are they calling “Boo’s” Autism this, when he doesn’t even have the symptoms for it? Just to make his Autism sound better than it is! Ridiculous and of course it made the headmaster think that he can get away with doing as little as possible! Because that is his biggest problem. Money. Running a Catholic free school with less and less money, because more and more people get fed up with the poor quality of the school. Let’s say that the Catholic teachers have got their jobs because they have the right religion, not because they are good at their jobs. The best teachers are NOT Catholic at all.

For the most part, I sat quiet, reading the headmaster and wondering what the point was with giving “Boo” a diagnosis because nothing will change. I am strongly suspecting that the headmaster’s antipathy against this place, BUP, has nothing to do with his experiences as headmaster. Between the lines, afterwards in the parking lot, I read that he must have personal experience from the place and that he is one of the parents who feel insulted by having a child being tested there. I know that he has personal experience from having children sent to the speech therapist and that he finds it ridiculous and pointless. And it does not surprise me at all, if he has been to BUP as well, and has thought their ideas idiotic. Why else does he go in to every school meeting with a prickly attitude, all weapons drawn, all spikes up? For me as a parent, it feels like sitting down with the enemy. Like being Winston Churchill having to sit down with Stalin, knowing he is NOT a friend at all and of a total opposite opinion.

On the 16 September, four days later, I had a developmental talk with “Boo’s” teacher which is something one has every term whether the child is normal or not.  She is really trying to do things to help “Boo” which is to her credit. That day she showed me this picture schedule she has created for him, to show him what his day will be like so there will be no surprises. She is going to enlist the special ed teacher, to help him with his letters and reading, because progress is too slow. Unfortunately things are uphill when it comes to “Boo”, because other children destroy progress that he could be making. They take advantage of his ways and him loosing his temper, to get him in to trouble. And they have started teasing him for going in working in the first grade, trying to catch up to his classmates. This made him refuse to go in to first grade one entire week and several teachers had to deal with the problem and catch the culprits. Things happen at school now, which I do not know what to feel or think about. They had started to let him use an iPad, for math, with games his teacher had downloaded for him. But now, the free period is out, or it was out when this school year started, and the headmaster will not pay the fee for the games which will make math fun. Also, his teacher feels he is getting too dependent on his assistant and when she is sick, or like when she went to the bank one morning without letting the school know, then he sits in the foyer waiting for her, refusing to go to his classroom.

His teacher has asked a male teacher to come in and be in the classroom one hour a week, making “Boo” used to this change. And the assistant has not brought “Boo” out to me, to the car, for over two weeks now, telling him that she has to work. The reason why she did this was to prevent other children from picking a fight with him or to prevent him from getting in to trouble, so I don’t understand why this has stopped. If it is a preparation for her to leave and they just don’t want to tell us about it, just spring the news on us? That is what my gut is telling me, because it is all so bizarre. At the same time I can understand that the headmaster is under a lot of pressure from people in higher places, to only employ people with the right credentials. She has no education and has been placed at the school by the unemployment office. But others in her situation has got to stay for years on end, so I don’t know why she would not be allowed to stay on. She is single so there is no problem with her getting pregnant all of a sudden or anything like it. And she does things with the kids that the officially trained afterschool daycare personnel doesn’t even contemplate (her job after 14:00). I hate to say this, but they are men, and they would never ever come up with the idea of taking the children to the kitchen and bake with them or buy pretty beads and other things, to create necklaces and ornaments. She has a lot of craft ideas and buy in things which the children love to work with. So if the school is contemplating letting go of her, it is their loss. The men working there will not make up for it.

One thing, that I became aware of on the 18th October, at the school open house, is the odd fact, that the school psychologist, who was the initial person who tested “Boo” and decided for BUP that it was ADHD and Autism they were to look for, has not been informed about anything. She walked up to me, around lunch time, and asked me what has happened with BUP. She said that she has not got an answer to her referral and that it is unusual. So, I had to be the one who informed her that he has received the diagnosis of Autism, but that they think he has normal intelligence. I had to add, that they could not test him for intelligence because of his autistic ways. Why exactly was she not with at the meeting, as I was informed that she would be, in June? Already the headmaster have failed to do what he promised to do at the school meeting, informing the necessary  people, who need to know. She said that later on, she can try to intelligence test him, but as for now, too many things are going on in his life. We are waiting for the play observation for one, wich will not take place until on the 17th December, because SO many children have been diagnosed. The school psychologist just shook herimage head and agreed, yes, an abnormally big quantity of children have been diagnosed right now and noone knows what this epidemic is about. Well, if you ask my husband, it is all my fault! But I think that both she and I knew the answer to it all. Society can not accept that anyone is different. We have to have labels on everything. And children all have to be the same, otherwise they are categorized as abnormal, which demands something, anything, but noone knows what since there is no money to deal with DIFFERENT!

10th October, I headed all on my own, to habilitation, to meet the psychologist and counselor I met there, in April, when I was there telling them who “Gubby” is. This time, it was time to talk about “Boo”, but this first initial meeting came to be about T. and my relationship instead. They asked me one question, “how did you take the diagnosis?” and I told them, that I was in a way relieved, because if it had been ADHD, the headmaster might have removed “Boo’s” assistant from him, but now I hope he will get the help he needs, which his ADHD-afflicted brother does not receive. And I told them that my husband blame me for our children’s handicaps. They thought it was serious and wanted to know if I had told him how that makes me feel. Like that would matter? He says things, does things, and then they are gone. Or? He has ADHD for heaven’s sake, so what has happened in the past means nothing to him. He is like a goose himself. Throw a bucket of cold water on him or mean comments and they just run off him. Nothing sticks. It’s no point in discussing how I feel. When I am upset, about anything, sure I can tell him about it, but really, you get as much response from a brick wall. So, the entire hour was wasted discussing how much time we get to spend together and how much alone time I have. I told them that I don’t have any alone time, how could I? Sure, I have three hours in the morning, when “Gubby” is in pre-school but my thyroid keeps me so tired, that I have to sleep those hours in order to be able to function and cope, the rest of the day. Is sleeping having alone time? And my husband and I, having time for each other? You must really be joking. The only time we really get to be on our own, we are not alone. It is when we run errands to town and then our older children beg us to take the most troublesome siblings with us. But still, as soon as we have left, the mobile phones start ringing, so the errands we run, are conducted under a lot of stress and it is not like we can discuss anything important with big ears present!

I also had to explain that when my husband does come home from work, there is a set routine. He walks in through the door and his younger children fight for his attention. Either they are at dinner or he is arriving with food, so we finally can cook dinner. But the ones that are the loudest, are the teenagers. They take over the conversation and chat his ears off. The little ones try to get as many words in as they can. I just withdraw because there is no point to be present. I leave off my responsibility you could say and just sit down in front of the TV to watch Antique Road Trip or something like Escape to the Country. If I can’t finally get one of the boys to do homework, that is. Then we do that in the sitting room. The little ones join me after a while, watch children’s programs and shower, brush their teeth and go to bed. T. doesn’t really leave the kitchen, talking to the teenagers, clowning around with them, being their best buddy, while he cooks dinner for himself and slowly eats it. Then he goes to shower, around 20:00-20:30 and goes off to bed at 21:00. For the most part, we live parallel lives, without any real interaction. We can’t go off on our own ever, for the shortest time, because chaos breaks out. Our older children can’t cope with ADHD and Autism.

A week after the first meeting, I was back and had to try to explain what “Boo” is like. Not an easy task. I had to bring up examples from when we try to do something with him. Like summer of 2013, when we drove out to the beach, and there was no parking. E. went with her dad to find parking and to get to have monopoly of him, while the rest of us, were dropped by the beach. We walked down on a very crowded beach, trying to find a spot big enough to put out two blankets. That is when “Gubby” said he needed to poop. I obviously could not go with him, so I sent D. with him to see if at the end of the beach, there was not some kind of loo set up, for the bathers. I had “Cookie”, “Kitty” and “Boo” to look after, a purse with a wallet and mobile phone and I was fully dressed still. The three ripped off their clothes and wanted to head in to the water. I told them, that I could not have them disappear on me, with no other adult present, so no, they had to wait for their father or D. to arrive first. “Kitty” and “Cookie” took a pail each and told me, they would be right in front of me, at the edge of the water and this I could accept, since we were only about a meter, max two, from the edge of the water. But “Boo” acted like he was deaf, he just ignored what I said and headed out in to the water. We all screamed after him to come back but he did not even turn to look. He just walked off and I looked around me in panic to see if I could spot D. or E. or T.? But noone was around and “Boo” was out of sight and “Kitty” and “Cookie” just shook their shoulders. I was so angry and worried sick, since I could spot, a little motor boat not far off, meaning that it was deep enough for it to be moored there. In a way you can walk half way to Copenhagen before it gets deep but when it gets deep, it gets deep suddenly and “Boo” could not swim.

When E. an T. finally arrived, D. had been back for a while, and had already been out searching for “Boo”. I just wanted to go home, but when T. had been out searching for “Boo” and found him, the others convinced me that we had to stay. I swore this was the last time I went to the beach with “Boo” in tow. Too dangerous. And I can’t bring him to the pool with just his siblings, because he screams, he is mean to other children or rather he does things that make them vexed and their mothers come and ball me out. And I am sick and tired of getting bawled out for behaviour I can not do anything about, that I can not alter. So, I do not bring the children to the pool, but let my husband do so when he gets home from work. He speaks English to them and people in this village does not dare to test their language skills, assuming he doesn’t know Swedish, so they leave him be and just attack “Boo” himself. Who of course ignores what they say. What else would he do? The few times I went along with them, this hot past summer of 2014, I did get upset beyond measure. I don’t want to feel ashamed of being these boys’ mother!

During our trip to Legoland, which I have not described at all on my blog, T. exclaimed that he never ever wants to go on holiday with our family again. He wanted to abandon me and the children and just leave us then and there. The counselor told me that we needed to have been one more adult at least. But we could not afford that. We left D. at home to apply for jobs instead and for a meeting at the unemployment office. And we left E. home as well, since she had been off on a church camp for a week, so I felt that she had already had her vacation and she was also mad at me for an entire month, which always means that she does no talk to me and gives me the silent treatment, totally ignoring me. I am not rewarding such behaviour with an expensive holiday, which a two-day trip to Legoland is. She did not lift a finger to help me all summer, stayed up in her room all day watching films on her school computer and only came down to eat dinner at an already set table, leaving immediately afterwards, for her room.

“Boo” decided that he was not going to go on any rides he did not like. Or was scared of. That I can understand, but to not give them a chance? He wanted to decide the entire time, what rides to go on and I wanted “Gubby” to get to choose at least every other ride. So there was a lot of screaming from “Boo” when he did not get his way. And “Gubby” cried silently when he did not get to go on what he wanted to go on. Unfortunately, half of Denmark, Germany and Sweden had decided to go to Legoland, the two days we were there, which meant terribly long queues to everything, even the Duplo rides for really small children. To stand in a 45 minute to one hour queue, for every ride, and have one child who acts out, is no winner. He stormed off a couple of times and there was nothing we could do about it, because we had to stay with “Gubby” and we did not want to loose our place in the queue. At one ride, he decided he did not want to ride with anyone of us, because you sit in cars, like Indiana Jones, and shoot at targets with a laser gun, receiving points, and it becomes a competition between the two in each car. So he just left us, walked ahead of the entire queue and jumped in to a car and off he went. It all happened so fast and we screamed at him to stop, but we could not do anything but see him go off, because the other people in the queue cut us off, so we could not get up to him. I was dead nervous that we would not find him at the other end, him having gone off to something else. You never know when it comes to him, he does things as he pleases. But he was waiting for us, thank heavens. But we saw how irate the people were in the queue, and children are not allowed to go alone at that age or height. The girl who assigned seats, could not stop him because the cars never stop, it is a non-stop ride.

Other things he did was doing ugly faces at the camera they have on many rides, where they want you to buy photos. When he finally got it in to his head that I was not buying anything where he had put up a foot or making stupid signs with his fingers or sticking his tongue out, he did go one round where he looked proper, but I had used up all the coupons I had bought for the photoplaces by then, so  I had to tell him, sorry, but you waited too long to behave! Some family rides, like a big viking one, which splashes water on some people in the carriages, depending on where you sit, he refused to go on. We were in a long queue for one, when he said, he was not going because he did not want to get wet. I was so fed up by then that I told him to stand at a certain spot and not stir a fin, because I wanted to go on this ride with the rest of the family. I had no idea if he was going to stay or not, but at that point I was so sick and tired of the entire situation that I frankly did not care. I figured that we would find him sooner or later if he disappeared. That is how resigned I was after two days of this behaviour of his and his siblings’ fighting. After all, he had our mobile phone numbers written on a band around his wrist. I know, it was bad, but I was fed up with me having to stand on the side with him, watching everyone else having a blast. We went on the ride and when we got out, he stood where I had parked him. I had put him by a water gun so he could shoot at everyone going by, so he did have fun, but still…

Another thing he did was unpack his little brother’s swim trousers from the suitcase. He knew that “Kitty” and “Cookie” had suggested that we bring them this year, to Legoland, so they could bathe as well, in this little waterland they have created for children. There are fountains to run through and a slide that is watered. Among other things. Last year we did not have the swim clothes with us, but this year, we brought them. But “Boo” unpacked “Gubby’s” swim trousers and some other things of “Gubby’s” like his favourite spoon, his porridge bowl and the deciliter measurement for measuring the porridge powder. Under those circumstances, there was no way any of the children would get to bathe in the waterland! I was not going to have poor “Gubby” stand there and see his three siblings have a blast and him not being able to join, because the lack of appropriate attire. I even did as much as going in to the Lego shop to see if I could buy him a pair of swimtrousers, but they cost all of 300 DKK (£31.79/ €40/ $51.38). That is and was a sale price. I usually buy swimtrousers for the children at H&M, and on an average they cost 79:- (£6.66/ €8.45/ $10.76), so there was no way I could justify such a purchase. They are not worth the money, they are not pretty enough for the money and as much as this trip cost us… 300 DKK is as much as one person’s entrance fee for heaven’s sake! It broke my heart, since they had all looked forward to that part, but “Boo” wrecked it for all of them. T. suggested that we let “Gubby” wear “Boo’s” swimtrousers and “Boo” not getting to be part, but I couldn’t do that, I just couldn’t. We don’t know what he does on purpose to be mean and what he can not help doing. And to be honest, to stand in queue there as well, to get to run around in the water?  They did get to go to the swimming pool at home every single day, six days a week. “Boo” would have screamed and if there is one thing he can not comprehend, it is all the consequences of his actions.

To sum up our two days at Legoland, it was stressful and hardly any fun. I wanted it to be a success because “Gubby” had talked about going for an entire year, every day. So for two days, I did my utmost to spare him all mean comments from his siblings, I did my best to keep a happy face on so that he had a blast and would remember the trip with happiness and nothing else. In my book, this trip was for HIM! He is an angel and you just want him to be happy all the time. When it came to “Cookie” she was her usual whining self and meaner than mean towards “Kitty” and he had his usual aggressive explosions. So, now, in retrospect, I realise that Legoland is not a good place to take children to, who have ADHD and Autism. It is as bad as it can get. There is too much going on, too many options, too many variables for whether it will be a good visit or not, too many people, too much of everything. If we ever head off somewhere again, which my husband is totally against, it will have to be a less stressful place, unless we just go with “Gubby”, who takes everything in stride. Even if it is not really “FUN” in comparison, a holiday to Italy is probably a better one, for all concerned. A swimming pool, a beach, the sun, not too much to react to or against. No stress either.

Habilitation had other suggestions though. First of all, that we contact social services and ask them to take “Kitty” off our hands now and then, at a dumping off home. Yes, that is what I call them. You dump your child off there to get some peace and quiet, to be able to go off and have some fun with the other siblings. And by doing so, you of course tell your child that he is too much, that he is not really a part of the family, that he is unwanted when it comes to some activities, that you can’t have fun with him around. Nice way to strengthen your family isn’t it and teaching your children empathy. On top of that, you of course end up in social service’s papers and can be deemed an unfit parent and they take ALL your children away from you. This is what both BUP and Habilitation tells me to do with “Kitty” and now also with “Boo”. How can they even suggest such a thing? And expect me to jump on it? I don’t care if I am deemed to need alone time and that THEY think that it can be valuable for the child and fun to feel “special”. They can also go and get raped and molested at these dumping off homes, because all things run by social services have deep problems with things like that. I am sorry, but I could never take off for Italy on vacation or Legoland and know that I have selected away children that would have loved to have come along, and enjoy myself. I would never ever enjoy a minute! And how about when one gets home again, from wherever one has gone or from what one has done, with the others? How can one keep them quiet and not talk widely about what they have experienced? BUP and habilitation does not think that this is going to hurt the child as well? To re-live the rejection over and over again. They can write what they want in their papers and they can sit there and talk well about social services till they are green in the face, that they are great in our council with preventive things, because they are not great what so ever and I told BUP so the last time I spoke to them.

Our neighbour works for them. When her son started an internship at a shop, he told her who he worked with and she told him that “oh, that is one of our cases”. She told him all about that boy and his problems and then her son went on and told D. all about it. D. came and asked me if people who work for social services don’t have a vow of silence. Of course they do! She is breaking the law and getting away with it! One doesn’t bring work home, especially when one deals with confidential things. I have no trust in social services at all. Children who are sexually abused for years, who tell teachers, extended family and neighbours, are stuck in the abuse. But social services are quick to remove children from their parents when the parents are overly concerned with their children’s health, when parents are religious, … And like on the news last week, when a child had gone in to the emergency room and the doctor determined that the child’s high fever and non-coherent speech must be a result of being shaken. Social services took three children from the home, kept them over Christmas, for 40 days, before the court threw the case out saying that it was ridiculous and the children were returned home. Those parents sat there with Christmas gifts and spent a Christmas from hell. The children sat confused and missing their parents and certain things you just can’t get back. Lost time can not be recaptured. Social services in Sweden are a bunch of sick people, acting on false rumours and have a most bizarre narrowminded way of looking at things. They never have to deal with all the pain that they cause, all the deep wounds they are inflicting, which can never be healed. On the news it said, that it has been discovered that shaking a child doesn’t kill it, so lots of parents sit in prison for crimes they have not committed.

I saw  an entire documentary about an immigrant couple who had a baby late in their life, because they met and married late. They doted over the baby, but health care thought they were bad parents because they got upset when their baby had the sniffles. So they reported the couple and the boy was taken from them. They got to see him twice a year, for Christmas and on his Birthday, at a train station, and the foster parents were doing their best to prevent even those supervised visits, saying that they were upsetting the boy too much. When he turned five, the foster parents did not even show up with the boy, so they just stood there with the gifts, in tears. All recorded in the documentary! The ones who should have been arrested here were of course the foster parents, who managed to get a child for free, without going through regular adoption procedures. Yes, foster parents are needed when children have to grow up in families with narcotic abuse, where they get beaten, where incest is prevalent. But the foster parents are not meant to be a permanent home and future. Foster parents seem to have a difficult time to understanding that though. I have met a lot of people, who have been interested in my religion, who have had their children taken away from them and in ALL cases the foster parents have raised the children to think ill of their parents, they have talked garbage about them and have done everything to prevent the children from meeting their real parents. No matter what the reason was for removal from the home. If this is not sick, what is? What gives a society the right to decide what is good for a child and what is bad? Yes, of course, when a crime is committed, then of course they have the right. But when parents love their child and try to keep it safe? Like going one time too many to a health clinic, to make sure the child is not having something dangerous but just a cold? What gives them the right to say that the parent cares too much? Who sets the measuring stick here? How can a secular person be allowed to decide that a parent is bad because he or she believes in God? Multi-cultural society my foot! You are only allowed to be a clone in this country but who decides who the master clone is going to be?

Too many documentaries have been shown on TV, too many reports have surfaced on the news for any of us to trust that social services are doing a good job. All of us who have watched documentaries, have received scars from observing yet another injustice committed by one of society’s pillars! I can’t forget what I have seen on the news and in documentaries. Noone can ever tell me that social services is something good and can help my family. Noone!

Habilitation have put in an extra time for me to go talk about “Boo”, because we hardly get anywhere when we have those one hour meetings. Yes, he is a handful, and yes he is tough to look after. But he is my handful and it is my task imageto look after him, even if it cracks me. The nurse at BUP said that how long will I be able to cope? I have no idea, but I will cope as long as I must or till I die pre-maturely. My children are my life. They are my career. Am I totally happy about it?? No, I would have loved to have finished school and my degree. I was so close. One bachelor’s thesis. But I guess it was just not meant to be. I did the wrong choices all those years ago, and as I have made my bed, I must lie in it.

I am entitled to care allowance for “Boo” as well and I have received the doctor’s certificate/papers on his diagnosis. But I haven’t done anything yet. I am not sure that I am up for it. To describe what “Boo” is like and then having Försäkringskassan belittle it all anyway. They can never ever imagine what life with these children are really like. Their job is to prevent the parents from getting too much money and to dump as much responsibility on the parents as they can. They did not deem “Kitty” being too much of a trouble, since they only gave me 1/4 of a care allowance. And then after writing all the things about him and complaining about their decision, then I found out that you never ever get more than 1/4 for a child with ADHD anyway. It doesn’t matter if you only write one line or five pages about your child, every child gets the same, no matter the difference in how much work one child is from another and how many other handicapped  children you also have to deal with. Same went with “Gubby”. It really didn’t matter what I wrote about his Autism, they have their set rules on how much to hand out, so you can sit there and speak Greek to them. Doesn’t make a point of difference. I just feel so tired. Tired of fighting the system, tired of all expectations, tired of all the ignorance, tired of all narrow-mindedness and most of all, tired of going to institutions who can’t help you anyway. Because in the end, you are on your own anyway. Always!

imageDream on, right???

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