Today, my book order from the internet shops arrived. The thing one has to understand here is that when I say sale, I mean sale. All the internet sites have it, the physical bookshops, but also the supermarkets take in books to sell.
The book highest on my wish list was on sale this year and the cheapest price for it, was on bokus.com. It was the history professor Ian Kershaw’s “The End Hitler’s Germany 1944-1945”. It is going to be sooooo good because this is a man to respect, who knows how to write. On the back it says (my translation again) “The last months of the second world war” were a true nightmare. Even though noone doubted the outcome of the war, entire cities were destroyed and millions of people were killed or expelled. This was truly the end: The end of the Third Reich and it also seemed the end of the european civilisation. Even so, Germany refused to capitulate. Instead, the Berlin Philharmonic had their last concert on the 12th April 1945, only four days before the Russian attack on the capital, started. The state was still paying out wages and during the last weeks of the war, scholarships were being paid out to exchange students, as an investment for the future to assure continued german influence in “the new Europe”. … He seeks the answer to the question why the germans did not give up. Why they instead continued fighting and thereby contributing to their own ruin.
The other book was just something I had to have. A tiny little book called “How to Cure a Fanatic” by Amos Oz. He grew up in Jerusalem and knows what fanaticism leads to. He “analyses the historical roots of violence and confronts truths about the extremism nurtured throughout society. By bringing us face to face with fanaticism he suggests ways in which we can all respond.” Nadine Gordimer said the following about the book “Amos Oz is the voice of sanity coming out of confusion”. How could one resist buying it?
I need to comfort myself with books. Escape… This morning, I had another phone call from “Cookie” when I was ironing my blouse and “Gubby’s” clothes. Everyone had been in a good mood since I of course bought some books for the children as well on the sale. But not just that, everyone received new clothes as well. “Cookie” got a T-shirt with a kitten on it, “Kitty” a new shirt for Church and spring canvas shoes with Angry Birds, “Boo” a new shirt for Church and socks with “Cars” on them and finally “Gubby” received 6 knickers, Tiger and Zebra socks and olive drab trousers. (Daniel received four ties for his mission since this one shop is going out of business and “Dollie” received sports bra, sports tank top and sports trousers, but they saw the things last night.) In other words, everyone were happy, content, no jealousy and walked out saying goodbye and I thought everything was great. Till the phone call came at 7:45. “Cookie” said that “Kitty” was hysterical, kicking and hitting them in the face because he thought it was Wednesday, that he had forgot his gym bag then and needed to go back home. This after I told him in very severe words yesterday afternoon that if he forgets something, it is forgot and he must move on to the bus station, that there is no time to go back for anything, ever. He must not get everyone late for school again. (See yesterday’s post!) And then this happens again today! I asked “Cookie” to hold the phone by his ear, so he would not take it and run or throw it away, and I ordered him to listen, I ordered him to stop kicking and hitting people, I told him that it is WEDNESDAY and there is no gym class today! And I thought this was the end of it. But 7:49 I get another phone call and find out that they are only half way to the bus station, the bus leaving at 7:48 and “Kitty” is attacking the innocent “Boo” with kicks. Once again I ask for the phone to be held by “Kitty’s” ear and now I am MAD. I scream at him that now I am really considering putting him on medicine to end this aggressiveness of his and that I am fed up with these phone calls and them getting to school late thanks to him. I know, not at all the right thing to say, but I am not perfect. And I am getting more and more at a loss what to do with his aggressiveness. It is getting worse and worse and I feel that I can not live very much longer with this. We are supposed to go to the work therapist and talk about a ball comforter. Maybe I can ask then, about an appointment at BUP for discussing medicine. I have been so totally against it up till now but “Boo” should not have to be put through this sort of abuse. Going talking about possible medication, does not have to mean starting medicating, but it might make him understand how serious this is.
It’s on days like this, that I seriously consider the choices that I have made. Like having “Kitty” at a school in town, instead of locally, so we have to rely on a bus. But also, having to have “Cookie” take him to school when she clearly can not calm him down at all, but makes every thing worse instead, pushing all buttons she can, to make him lose it. Today she had called him “ADHD kid” and even worse, “DAMP kid”, which is a word of abuse that everyone uses in Sweden about children they do not like, classmates etc. Today I stood here almost ripping my hair out since I just can’t drive them every morning. My life would become true hell. I am ready to sacrifice a lot for my children, always have, but here I draw the limit. I have sacrificed all the health that I can, I have no more to give. I can not make myself ready in the morning, while they are going a boxing round in the kitchen/sitting room, screaming on top of their lungs. And I can’t sit in rush hour traffic every morning, hearing them fighting in the back. I just can’t. Then I just have to put him in a local council school and let him sink. He will become the school problem child in a class of 30 and one day I am sure we will get a phone call from the police, that he has been arrested for abuse. As much as I think the thought every time this happens, that I will have to move him to the council school, I know that everything would just get worse. It is not really an option. But the autism school in our next-door village might be? ADHD is after all in the autism spectra, it’s a neurological disease, so maybe? If that is where “Gubby” might end up, maybe all three of my boys should go there? It is something I will have to consider and investigate further. If my Levaxin medicine can just start working, so my fatigue will stop. Next week, I am due for another blood test which will show if my levels are going down again to below 3.4 where they are supposed to be and not at 11!