Not singing in the rain!

I went on a walk to the cemetery today since the others took their time to get home from church. I stayed home since I feel so very depressed and just could not stand the thought of being around other people. There are other reasons as well but not of the kind that I really want to discuss…

I haven’t been to Serena’s grave for a long time now and have felt so bad about it. Flowers are so terribly expensive and I feel that I must bring something for her when I go. Today I walked off with a grave candle in my bag and I walked slowly, meditating on the way. It felt nice that I was the only person out. A dead village! I came in the back way, since I have finally figured out which paths to walk from our house, to get to her part of the cemetery. I started to read on the tombstones on the way to her, and it felt depressing to see how many died in their 30s and 40s. Women. Made me wonder if it was cancer. What tragedy lies behind all those names and dates. One woman in her 30s has the most extraordinary tombstone. It’s black and shaped like a heart. Beside her name, they have engraved Winnie the Pooh! I don’t know why I have never noticed it before? And one woman had a little statue of an angel resting on its arms, put on top of the stone. Very nice! The more I looked, the more I noticed how “fashion” has changed in tombstones since my dad died in 1979. Then it was just grey, black and sort of a white-greyish stones. And nothing was really done to them, except chiseling out the name and dates. Now they engrave symbols like Winnie the Pooh, angels, something symbolizing a hobby the deceased had or profession, flowers, birds, anything it seems. And like the British tombstones over the deceased in Normandy, in the war cemeteries, there are some that has a saying at the bottom, a personal message to the dead person. Quite nice really. But I guess it is all up to the living to do something nice and if they do not have the imagination… I also noticed how many people from the 1930s are dying now. Made me think about my mum and that she might soon be one among them. It seems like her mind is slipping more and more.

gravljusI got to Serena and had to use 10 matches to get her candle going. Not just rain but wind as well! But before that I read all the new rules that they had put on a sign by the entrance at the ash grove. People have had their own lanterns and put them, to stay, among the bushes where you are supposed to put the candles, if the candle tree is full, and bouquets of flowers in the holders provided. The cemetery doesn’t allow personal items like this at the ash grove, which is a shared place. That is what you have to sacrifice when you have your loved one buried in an ash grove, but some people I guess wants this cheaper alternative, but refuse to sacrifice the personal aspect. gravlyktorOf course I would have loved to have put up a lantern for Serena and her siblings think that it is terrible that we can not. And of course I would have loved to have put down a bouquet in WATER so it would last, instead of in to the holders that they provide, without bottoms, so that the flowers will die more quickly, giving room for other people to put their flowers in to them. Well, the new rules are, that personal things will be removed and can be retrieved at the church. In a way, I am glad since why should some get to disobey the rules, while others like myself, abide to the rules with sadness in my heart, because I do not dare to defy them. Now it will be the same for all of us. Lenience will only be shown at All Saints’ Holiday when there isn’t room for all candles and wreaths are added. But they have raised a new candle tree so there should be more room now. On the other hand, more people have died since Serena died and that means more people mourning in this particular place in the cemetery and more candles!

I sat for a while in the rain and then started heading home since I was getting cold. No more summer heat. I packed up “Sparky’s” pool Thursday! On the way out, I noticed the most amazing grave I have ever seen and decided that THIS is what I would  like for myself one day! I did not have a camera with me, so I will have to go back and take a photo because this has to be shared. So look out for a photo soon (I hope). Standing by that woman’s grave, make you feel happy and not sad. The way it is all designed:  simple, different and very beautiful…

Now, I need to prepare myself for a horrible school year. Tomorrow the nightmare starts. 1 child to pre-school at 8:50, 3 to regular school at 10:00 and “Dollie” to gymnasium at the same time and then it’s Daniel’s turn at 15:00. He is in the last year of gymnasium now so they get the privilege of showing up late to tell the school that they are present and accounted for. At 13:00 I will start my ADHD course. And T. claimed he had no idea at all!!! The schedule for it has only been sitting on the fridge door by the handle, for two months, And all the children except “Sparky” and “Boo” have asked about it. T. only opens that door lots of times, every day! And he was there when it was decided with the counselor in June! And it’s been sitting on the whiteboard opposite him at the kitchen table, for a week now! Only proves that one only sees what one wants to see!!! I hope he can square it with his boss tomorrow because I can not fetch children and look after them at the same time as I sit at a course from 13:00-16:00.


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