18 October 2012
I have not blogged for a while. I’ve been too upset. Not only did I have a 3-day migraine last week but there were complaints about “Boo” as usual from school and I was hit hard with “Sparky’s” cold. It has left me completely energy-free! But now I want my letter to the headmaster documented. So here it is, in translation:
Would you rather “Boo” quit?
I am sitting here very sad. “Boo” is home for the third day in a row and is having a very boring time. I have a faulty thyroid so my body works at half speed, and one of the various symptoms, is terrible fatigue. I can not entertain him at all.
Monday, he and W. disappeared after the whistle was blown on the school yard. They ran through the building and out in to the park, to fetch more chestnuts. They were missing for half an hour and when I arrived to the classroom to fetch “Boo”, I had to sit down for a serious talk with his teacher. She wanted me to hear the consequences that she had planned for him, that he would not get to do free play with the others, but sit with her instead. She did not mention that W. would get any consequences. And she wanted to know what we can do at home. What can we do at home? All last week we balled him out, we talked reason with him, we threatened with no Saturday candy, no TV. Then it concerned the inappropriate behaviour of kissing Nathalie. It had no effect at all. He continued his behaviour, because what I tell him here at home, is not what he does when he leaves. And Nathalie’s parents are obviously not telling her the same thing at home, since I noticed Monday, when fetching him, that she is the one that takes the initiative. What did I tell E.? That I would keep him home Tuesday to show the seriousness of what he had done. That he had put himself in danger. And when T. arrived home from the parenting meeting for the 6th grade and told me about the man in the park that had asked the 6th grade girls if he could “borrow” them, then I felt nauseous.
My conclusions, two months after “Boo’s” start at the school, is that you can not manage “Boo” and his needs. There is no energy for it, nor personnel. His teacher is pregnant and just seems generally tired. She seemed very relieved when I suggested I would keep him home Tuesday.
At the same time I wonder why it has become this way? Why has he been stamped as a child that is troublesome and difficult. Why do I have to be met every day with the words “You need to talk to “Boo” about this and this and this”. What do you say to him at school? What can I say about things that happened hours earlier? Where are the grown up presence that is supposed to deal with the problems, when they occur, and sort them out? I can’t imagine that it is my job to come to school and be my sons’ personal assistant? I can’t do more than tell “Boo” here at home, what to do, but as soon as he goes through the door and leaves, I loose control over his actions.
I signaled already a year ago that “Boo” would need help. His speech is 1-1 1//2 years behind his peers. And then I am not just talking about pronunciation but understanding, vocabulary, everything. I felt that I brought it up with you many times, so that there was no need for a big meeting like we did before “Kitty” started. And no teacher had yet been employed for the class either. But special ed. teacher I. came out to the pre-school and observed him. She was there when the pre-school did their handing-over thing and when they strongly pointed out the need for him to get help with conflict dealing. I pointed it out an extra time afterwards to her. So did the speech therapist. On TV, there is now a program about speech, made by Stephen Fry, and he and this professor, came to the conclusion that children will in conflict situations and fights, scream, bite, hit other children, before they have the language, to use as a weapon instead. That is where “Boo” is right now. He screams and hits. And instead of getting help, I am just told to talk to him when we get home. I brought it up with I. Monday, when she stopped me in the hallway. She just walked off.
I. went with me to the speech therapist in May to hear everything that “Boo” needs help with. But she was not satisfied since the speech therapist had not read the notes well enough, from her old colleague and “Boo” was not with us either. A new meeting was set up for August. Then she got to see and hear and was given tasks to work with. I thought that she had worked with him from day one, as was said would happen. Why else have all these talks, meetings and observations? About a week ago or more, I was told that I. has not worked with “Boo” at all, but with another boy in class 3-4. It was important that “Boo” got help from day 1! To become part of the group, to get a language, to stop screaming when he gets upset. Instead I get complaints that he speaks too loud. Is he deaf? No, E. he is not deaf, but he wants to be heard even if he doesn’t have the language or the understanding. When he gets home, his voice volume is back to normal. I get complaints that he screams and fights, but what is he supposed to do when he is frustrated and doesn’t know what to say? It was important that he got off to a good start instead of getting labeled as a troublemaker. Instead another boy is prioritized and “Boo” had to go with the wind. Even though I told people about all this a year ago! Oh yes, E. was given things to do with him, but since his classmates would not let them sit and work together, it did not work at all, NOT AT ALL. Monday, I. stopped me and told me that she had sat down with him and now he can separate P and B and that she will contact the speech therapist for new tasks. Why? If he has to do everything by trial and error anyway?????? When I brought up that E. thinks that he speaks too loud, I. just shrugged her shoulders and said that everybody has to in that place. At that moment all children were on their way in to the dining room to have a snack, so it was very noisy around us.
The speech therapist and I have also pointed out that he can not take long instructions. “The Running Away” Monday was not the first of it’s kind. The first or second time they were to have gym class, I don’t know exactly what was said. I am guessing that something like this was said “Now we are leaving on the bus for gym class, so you need to go downstairs and put on your jackets and shoes and wait for me in the hallway”. What “Boo” did was, since he was very excited about gym class, was to run down and get dressed quickly, and then he ran off to the bus, not noticing that noone else in the class was with him. This has nothing to do with what you told me, that he can understand “You can have ice-cream when you have finished your dinner”. It has to do with only listening to part of a message and then acting. I don’t know what goes on in his brain?! Like I said to E., I don’t know if he has ADHD as well. But that does not make me guilty of being a bad parent and needing to sort out the problem. That means that one has to pay attention and be one step ahead of him.
What is the point with my e-mail? I have kept him home because I don’t know what I am supposed to do! It does not feel like “Boo” is welcome at the school. You were not prepared for him and now it feels like good riddance. You can’t guarantee his safety. I can not promise that he doesn’t run out in the park again. And I don’t want a phone call from the police saying “no, we have not found the man yet that wanted to borrow the girls but unfortunately we have found “Boo” raped and murdered in the park”. I think this is terrible. I have been in contact with his younger brother’s pre-school and we have come to the conclusion that it would not be a good idea for “Boo” to go back there. It would be an awful punishment for him to be moved down. There is noone his age anymore. All his peers quit with him in June. But what is the solution? That I keep him home the rest of the school year? When the social democrats wants a new law making f-class obligatory, since it is so important for the school start. That it is important that they get this year to prepare. I sit here and don’t know in or out. It is very clear that he does not get the language stimulation he needs here at home. Do I have to pay for parking, for half an hour every day, to fetch him, if there even will be a child to fetch? He is sitting here telling me proudly what he will do at the Open House Saturday. Is there even a point for me to take him there?
Anyone that wants to point a finger at me for not taking care of my mother? Do I not have enough on my plate already? I might have three boys with ADHD (or two with ADHD and one with Autism?). Who knows? At General Conference, our prophet announced that girls can go out on missions now at age 19 instead of age 21. This newspaper had written about it and how girls had reacted. One could post comments and I did. What I saw in Utah, were girls that did not dare to go on missions or they might end up with no husbands. Boyfriends refusing to wait for them for 18 months, when the girls had waited for them, for all of 24 months. But when one loves the Lord, when one has a testimony of the Church, one wants to serve the Lord and go on a mission. I have seen it in Johannes. And I see it in Daniel now. And I wanted to. So bad. But I was one of the ones that had a mother that was against it. Against the Church per se. And I will admit it. I was one of the girls that thought that I would not get a chance at marriage if I went. I regret it so bitterly. My foolish decision. I should have gone when I could. When the Holy Ghost prompted me to. Now it is too late. Every week I wanted to be out there, like Johannes. I wanted to live only for the Lord for 18 months. This woman posted an answer to my comment, not knowing my age, mind you. And she said “it’s not too late”. Yes, it is very much too late. I do not have the health anymore. But most of all. I serve my family now. And with these three younger boys having the problems that they have, it looks like I will have a lot on my hands till the day I go beyond the veil. I am not bitter about this fact. I love my boys. But, there is a time for everything, and lost opportunities are lost opportunities. Time can not be turned back. You make your decisions and have to live with them. So make wise ones when you can. I made my unwise decision years ago and has had to live with it for 25 years now. My mum made her unwise decision 12 years ago and has kept on doing it through those years, now she must live with her decision. I can’t revert it at this point. Noone can.