They say that the Lord will never try you beyond what you can cope with. He will only bring you to the edge but not further, not off the cliff. I feel like I have gone off the cliff now. It is hard to see the blessings in my life at the moment. Perhaps I would have been able to handle blow after blow, had I myself been allowed to stay healthy so that I could have got a chance to cope. But as the cherry on top of the cake, I had to get this horrible thyroid problem that leaves me so exhausted that I can’t be the mother I want to be.
This morning I sent “Cookie” and “Boo” off earlier to school since they came 10 minutes late yesterday, because he walks so slowly to the bus. When they had headed out the door, I got “Kitty”, “Sparky” and myself ready and we showed up on time at the hospital. I had to bring “Kitty” since his ADHD means so much extra work for the school. Our appointment was at 8:30 and the school would not allow him to show up 7:50 or 8:00. But he was such a good boy. He sat in the waiting room for an hour while “Sparky”, the special ed teacher and I, went in to the speech therapist. “Kitty” had brought a “Tintin” book with him and during that hour, he drew “Sparky” a picture with a racing car and me, a picture of a turtle carrying a tree on his back. He is so sweet and it is so difficult to understand how it can be so hopeless with him some days, and other days he can act like an angel.
The one that did not perform at his best was “Sparky”. He did the pictures fine, even counted cards. But he was yawning and had a difficult time concentrating. And when the speech therapist wanted him to look at her, he refused. He climbed off and on his chair and did not want to listen to instruction. She tried to make him sort things in two piles, one set of cards with clothes on them, and one set of cards with vehicles. He just put them in one pile. Finally she said that she must send him to a psychologist. She needs to find out what is wrong with his speech, from the experts. He has a severe language impairment or that is what she suspects. That he is mentally retarded perhaps or have Autism or ADHD or ADD. I had to keep the tears back. Not one more child that is mentally handicapped! Not only does “Kitty” have his disability, but I have suspected that “Boo” has something as well. Otherwise, why is he having a severe language delay, which is “Sparky’s” diagnosis till the psychologist have tested him. It can take three months till that starts. Swedish health care! I feel like a total failure. I have given birth to three boys with severe problems. If I have to be ill, why could they not have been allowed to be healthy, normal boys? “Boo” has a tough time with rules, tries to do what pleases him, he doesn’t listen, doesn’t pay attention. Should I have him tested at the same time? Get the big blow at once? I feel like I can’t handle more of this. It’s just too much! I feel sooooo lonely.
The saddest part was that when I left home this morning, I was optimistic. I thought that the speech therapist was going to be positive. That she was going to get impressed with how much “Sparky” has improved since April. How she would notice how much he now talks, that it’s gone foreward in a rapid speed. In my view that is. Never did I expect that she would feel that he is brain damaged somehow! And he who chattered on in there. And he said all the words. He put all the cards in order along the edge of the table and started counting them. But nothing impressed her. I feel devastated. I haven’t stopped crying since I got home.