I am sitting here exhausted as usual. I am not sure where August is disappearing to? It’s just been one thing after the other this month. The saddest parts are of course “Sparky’s” kidney problems and my gallway problems topped with thyroid problems. “Sparky” went for another long day at the hospital yesterday, when they checked on urine flow. He was bored stiff after just an hour and noone had warned me that the testing would take 4 hours. So we had no access to food and had to sit through lunch without anything to eat! We could not leave the waiting room since we had to knock on a door every time he peed in his nappy, remove it and weigh it, and then he had to have an ultrasound to look at the bladder. Over and over again. Finally he was just running up and down the corridor with a doll pram and me with my thyroid problem that makes me so tired, had no energy to stop him.
What is getting done about my problems? Nothing really. I will have an ultra sound of my gall ways on the 3rd September. Fun way of celebrating “Sparky’s” Birthday, with perhaps getting bad news. And the thyroid? Well, the doctor that discovered that I am attacking my own thyroid with anti-bodies, is not the doctor that I listed myself with years ago when the state asked us all to list ourselves with ONE particular doctor. So she is handing over my case to the doctor that I am listed with, that I have never seen myself except when T. was discovered having skin cancer, and I had to go to her for answers! I should be put on medication but it has to be that doctor that handles it and I have not even got my appointment to her yet. Before I go, I have to have new blood tests done. Yippie! I who just LOVE needles right? And the doctor told me that it will take ONE YEAR before I start feeling better. So this wait to even start on medication feels absolutely inhumane and depressing. I phoned them and said, I don’t care which doctor I go to, I just want the medicine so I don’t have to be this tired ALL the time! I have no idea when I will get an appointment to ANYBODY. The nurse thought it might be a month! It feels like I am living in Calcutta or something.
I am so angry with myself for not having understood years ago that something was wrong with me. I now have the answer to why Serena Rose died. You are very likely to suffer miscarriage when you have something wrong with your metabolism. And the reason I have not become pregnant again, is more than likely due to the fact that my “disease” makes me infertile. “Kitty’s” ADHD can be a result of the disease since untreated it can give babies in utero, brain damage. Who knows if “Kitty’s”, “Boo’s” and “Sparky’s” delayed speech are results from this? The doctor says I have walked with this for years but that it is getting really bad now.
What makes me mad is that health officials have not tested me before. I have had so many symptoms and noone have reacted. They who have the knowledge that I lacked. They blamed my fatigue on too many children. My Reynaud’s system was something I thought was just me and nothing to do about. Always feeling cold is a symptom of thyroid problems. My dry skin and thin hair likewise. Depression as well. Heavy menstruation is something the midwife has heard of since I expected Daniel in 1994. And every doctor have always wondered at my slow heart rate!!! I could scream. Now I read that I am more susceptible to cancer and heart disease! Great! Just what I need. And no wonder that I haven’t been able to loose weight after loosing Serena. EVERYTHING was signalling that something was wrong but I didn’t understand that until too late. My baby could have been saved. Serena could have been with me right now, toddling around on the floor!