27 February 2012

I can not believe it is an entire year already, since we lost our baby daughter, the little sunshine that we were anxiously awaiting and looking forward too. It was with pain that I woke up this morning and once again went through that day, deeply burnt in to my memory forever. The pain of loosing her has not lessened at all. It’s worse than ever since we have not been able to conceive another child and probably never will by the look of it. So the loss feels double. That day at the hospital, from going in and noone expecting us even though they ought to have been alerted, to when I had to give birth to her in pain, on the lavatory in a dish… And all the while, I wanted to wake up from the nightmare, not be there at all, but be home, the baby still alive in me. I so much wanted it not to be true.

But true it was. She is dead and today we bought her a bouquet of baby pink carnations and a big candle that will burn for three days. I forgot matches though so first “Cookie”, “Kitty”, “Boo”, “Sparky” and me went to the cemetery with the flowers. But “Kitty” and “Boo” behaved so badly that I lost my temper. Of course I could only wheeze because of the place we were at, but I made our visit very short and I could not even let myself think about the little girl resting deep down in the cold soil. Later in the evening after “Cookie’s” dance lesson, we stopped at the cemetery again. T., “Kitty”, “Cookie” and me. I lit a candle for her. It was pouring down rain and we stood on the spot where she rests, T. and me, just crying, all four of us in a big group hug. When is this horrible pain going to go away?

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