Monday morning and I have been meaning to write this since Friday evening but I’ve been too busy to ask someone for help, uploading some photos from the cemetery. Coming home from my shopping excursion to Pema, I noticed how lovely the cemetery looked in the twilight of sunset. People had lit lanterns already on the graves and I did not reflect on it till I got home. After all, All Saints’ wasn’t till Saturday. But since the library turned out to be closed, I realized that perhaps many people had been given Friday off or at least the afternoon. The Saturday being a red day and treated like a Sunday. I started to worry about the candle tree in the ash grove. For us, whose loved ones rest there, we are only allowed to put candles in that tree and it has a limited number of spots. First I sent Johannes over to look if people had been there yet. He came back and said “there is only four spots left”. Panic started to grow! Where we not going to be able to put a candle for little Serena Rose? T. had still not come from work so he certainly had not been given the afternoon off. Finally I sent Daniel over to see how many spots where left. He came back and said ONE. When T. came in through the door I tried to convey my concerns but he wouldn’t listen. And then Johannes had a cow since T. would not instruct him RIGHT AWAY how the new DVD player works. So he threw the remote controls around and stormed upstairs. I had had enough and told “Kitty” and “Boo” to get in to their snow-suits with pyjamas and everything. I dressed “Sparky” as warmly as I could and told Daniel and T. that I was heading to Serena with or without company. They got dressed as well in a hurry but Johannes refused to have anything more to do with the family for the next two days! It was sad to go without the girls. “Cookie” sleeping at her friends and “Dollie” being in Stockholm. But we couldn’t afford to wait. It was so beautiful to walk in through the cemetery gate. All the lanterns on the graves. I do not know why people had gone a day early but perhaps it was since the candles last 120 hours? The mysterious Reinhold Tilly, that must be family, had a beautiful lantern and I stopped and paid my respect for a minute eventhough I have no idea who he was. My grandfather Algot Tilly’s middle name was Reinhold and this Reinhold was born around the same time as him. Two Reinhold Tillys in the same village. Something must be going on there. I’m not sure how I can find out…
We walked over to Serena Rose’s resting place. They had laid down pine branches for people to put wreaths on, right by the candle tree and I felt bad that we did not have one. (In the background you can see the tree pillars where one can have a plaque put up with the deceased person’s name and dates. That is if one can scrape together the 3000 Swedish kronor that it cost, which we haven’t been able to do so far. Had we lived in Revinge it would have cost 1000 instead! Life really isn’t fair is it?)
But I had bought a large candle and we lit that since there was a spot left for us. Thank you little sweetheart! It would have broken “Kitty’s”. “Boo’s” and my hearts if we could not have placed our candle until today Monday, when all the others’ candles have burned out. I can not believe that I have a daughter that rests in the cemetery in the first place. The pain felt worse than ever Friday evening. Standing there and knowing that I was not allowed to keep her. I can not see the point or the justice. Why was I allowed to get pregnant in the first place, why oh why did I get to keep her in my womb for almost 17 weeks? And all the nausea and weight gain, it was all in vain with no reward at the end but just more grief. It just hurts more and more instead of less and less.
T. was able to take “Cookie” over there Saturday after fetching her from her friend’s and she came home and said that it was so beautiful over there. We all meant to have gone and looked again as a family, yesterday after Church but we were too frustrated. After Church we had to stop at “Dollie’s” piano teacher’s in Lund since the latter had promised “Dollie” a jacket! I know! WEIRD! “Dollie” was too lazy to go get it on the bus during the week so as not to insult this aggressive Russian, we had to stop by after Church. Even though it meant sitting in the cold car for 40 minutes waiting fir her to get home. Johannes sat and fought as usual with both “Kitty” and “Boo” in the back seat. So much so that I wanted to abandon the idea or abandon ship and walk home on my own. When Aksana finally arrived she was irritated so I could not get that out of my head, driving home. I mean, here she was doing “Dollie” a favour and my daughter being ungrateful, putting this off and so on. Just embarrassing the entire situation! I just wanted to get home quickly, use the lavatory, and get food in to everyone. Not until we were all indoors did I remember: Serena! So we never got to go there ALL together this weekend, as a family, to visit our youngest family member. So SAD!
To brighten up this post, I must include “Boo’s” drawing from his class in Church. When we were done for the day, he came and gave it to me and said “This is Jesus”. I don’t know what their lesson was about. We talked about Cornelius and how Simon Petrus taught the heathens for the first time. I doubt that was the youngest class’ lesson. But seeing “Boo’s” pride over his drawing made my day. I had to smile. Otherwise it was sort of a sad day in Church as well. A woman that has been fighting cancer for years, is now unconscious and it was announced that she will probably not live another week. I’m not sure she has even turned 45 yet and she leaves four children orphaned since her husband disappeared out of the picture about ten years ago and has basically stayed far, far away from his children. What a nasty disease Cancer is.